How much clearer do I need to be?
“I’m skating on thin ice”
“I feel like I am about to hit a wall”
“I am really struggling”
“One more thing will tip me over the edge”
“I am just keeping it together”
“I am having a very hard time right now but trying to keep it in check”
” I am an 8/10, maybe a 9/10″
Do I need to put a scarlett letter on my head? Reach out they say, reach out. Reach out and then what? People look at you a bit blankly, what are they supposed to do? I don’t know, I have enough I am containing, smoothing, suppressing. It is a very lonely world in BPD,, you’re sicker than sick but you still move on. You can’t go to the hospital, you can’t lay in bed because your mind would kill you, you can’t really do nothing for fear of the noise overwhelming, you can’t talk to anyone, you are stuck trying to make it through each day, alone.
“what’s wrong”, my favourite question.
“what’s wrong?”, what’s wrong has been wrong for 20 years. I’m recovering yes, but there’s no new wrong. Same damn thing, different levels.
Can you imagine asking a cancer patient every time “what’s wrong?”, how about a diabetic “what’s wrong”. You think they’d want to scream at you after maybe the 50th time? FUCK, I have fucking cancer, I have fucking diabetes, I have fucking alzheimers, I have fucking chicken pox, an infection. And everything you see are symptoms, that’s why my hair is falling out, that’s why I have a fever, that’s why I can’t remember you, that’s why I am sad, that’s why I am weak, that’s why I am, how I am, right now.
So, I have no one to tell, because fair to them, they don’t know what to do. Talking to me seems like a stupid thing to do but you know what, it helps. Don’t tell me what to do, just listen. Don’t tell me how you feel the same way. Just listen. Just distract. Don’t try and fix me. Just be there. Take me somewhere, keep me occupied, take some things off my plate. Be understanding.
The same thing is wrong, what you can do is also the same.
by the way, “i’m on thin ice, I am a 9, I am hitting a wall, I am really close to putting knife to skin, close to throwing in the towel, close to one pin prick away from a hospital. Happy? That’s what’s wrong.