Last year I thought Christmas was pretty low and bad, and New Years ended with my being in the hospital and then sick for months. This year, how it is possible I know not, but Christmas was even worse. This has to have been the loneliest Christmas on record, starkly alone except for one day with my children where I fought to be happy happy joy joy. I was happy to be with them but the spirit of the season, I could have done without.
For the first time in my life, I am sitting alone, on Christmas Day waiting for all of December and January to just be over. I think I may feel worse except that I have spent the last 16 days alone as well so barring the knowledge that everyone I know, other than my grinch of a boyfriend, is with friends and family. My boyfriend would rather be alone today, on his couch. Most people would find it nice and soothing to have someone they loved around.
After being away for 2 weeks and parting on the fact that I was/am a fucking bitch, useless and an array of every fault and cockroach tendency I may have you’d think that maybe a tiny itsy bitty tiny part might realize that it was hurtful. I think in his world you can say words and they don’t hurt, in my world the pen is definitely mightier than the sword. I’d rather be hit than trampled with vulgarities on the judgement of my character.
I spent all of last night in the throes of demonic nightmares, mostly about my lack of self worth juxtaposed in a multitude of dream settings. I alternated between freezing and having to turn on the heating pad and boiling hot.
So many people close to death this year and the unfairness of the situation grates on me. Would I willingly give my life for them to live, yes. I don’t want this life and they all want theirs, take mine. I have a dear dear friend in a coma right now that I know wants to live with every fibre of his being and I would trade my life for him to keep the joy he finds in life. I’d trade my life for many others that are fighting to live, I fight to live in the opposite way, I don’t want to, but I am obligated to. Given the choice I’d gladly just say “so long, good night” and be gone. There is no fear of death in my heart, just fear of what my death means to others. If you do believe in a God, how is this just, leave me alive and kill those that want life? Fucked up.
So, now what? I can go to work, it will be quiet today, we are closed, no one breathing down my neck. Not only am I obligated to live, I am not working a job that I am slowly beginning to hate as I don’t even feel like an adult anymore in my role. More like being stuck in boarding school. I can’t even leave the job, you want to talk about obligation. I haven’t even looked at my credit card or bank balance all month as it has been decreed at work that no pay is going out till the headmaster sings. I know the car payment is bouncing this month. I haven’t paid my boyfriend rent. Cable and all those other such things will go on the credit card, as had Xmas so it’s looking mighty ugly on the credit card interest front too. There are a few more auto debit bounces that are going to happen but whats one to do? Ignore it is my philosophy right now because I sure as heck can’t fix it.
The headaches are getting better. 3 weeks of NO medication. It’s a very odd sensation. Anything mildy emotional makes me feel like chocking. When I say mildly emotional, I had to excuse myself several times just watching a cartoon. Stopping the drugs removed the filter, or mood regulator and not it soars and dips to its own uncontrollable beat. I go from complete apathy of sensation to burning choking heights of emotion. I like it, reminds me that this is who I am. I haven’t had the feel to cut because this pain provides the soothing, it guts me inside enough and then leaves me completely empty. I do find it fascinating watching this all happen in me and with me.
Well, Merry Christmas. It’s almost over.
My boyfriend asked me what I wanted for Christmas, asked me to just let him know so I could save him the hassle of running around and trying to figure it out for me and give him a break. I felt very special. Thanks for putting some thought into me buddy, don’t want to put you out finding me a gift you might need to think too hard about. Like I want an obligation… oops I meant gift… now. I’d rather just have your time and attention but that costs far too much.
Gotta give myself props, its been a terrific month and I am still standing. I think if I had stayed on my meds I might be in the hospital but spending all the time managing the pain from no meds has kept me too busy to chug my pills or slit a wrist. I don’t know how I will feel come Jan 8, no one remembers but I do, its the day I decided to die last year. I know when that day hits, it will be more than a ton of bricks, question is, what do I do on Jan 8?
Almost at 30/90.