{December 25, 2014}   You Fucking Bitch

Last year I thought Christmas was pretty low and bad, and New Years ended with my being in the hospital and then sick for months. This year, how it is possible I know not, but Christmas was even worse. This has to have been the loneliest Christmas on record, starkly alone except for one day with my children where I fought to be happy happy joy joy. I was happy to be with them but the spirit of the season, I could have done without.

For the first time in my life, I am sitting alone, on Christmas Day waiting for all of December and January to just be over. I think I may feel worse except that I have spent the last 16 days alone as well so barring the knowledge that everyone I know, other than my grinch of a boyfriend, is with friends and family. My boyfriend would rather be alone today, on his couch. Most people would find it nice and soothing to have someone they loved around.

you-fucking-bitch-After being away for 2 weeks and parting on the fact that I was/am a fucking bitch, useless and an array of every fault and cockroach tendency I may have you’d think that maybe a tiny itsy bitty tiny part might realize that it was hurtful. I think in his world you can say words and they don’t hurt, in my world the pen is definitely mightier than the sword. I’d rather be hit than trampled with vulgarities on the judgement of my character.

I spent all of last night in the throes of demonic nightmares, mostly about my lack of self worth juxtaposed in a multitude of dream settings. I alternated between freezing and having to turn on the heating pad and boiling hot.

So many people close to death this year and the unfairness of the situation grates on me. Would I willingly give my life for them to live, yes. I don’t want this life and they all want theirs, take mine. I have a dear dear friend in a coma right now that I know wants to live with every fibre of his being and I would trade my life for him to keep the joy he finds in life. I’d trade my life for many others that are fighting to live, I fight to live in the opposite way, I don’t want to, but I am obligated to. Given the choice I’d gladly just say “so long, good night” and be gone. There is no fear of death in my heart, just fear of what my death means to others. If you do believe in a God, how is this just, leave me alive and kill those that want life? Fucked up.

So, now what? I can go to work, it will be quiet today, we are closed, no one breathing down my neck. Not only am I obligated to live, I am not working a job that I am slowly beginning to hate as I don’t even feel like an adult anymore in my role. More like being stuck in boarding school. I can’t even leave the job, you want to talk about obligation. I haven’t even looked at my credit card or bank balance all month as it has been decreed at work that no pay is going out till the headmaster sings. I know the car payment is bouncing this month. I haven’t paid my boyfriend rent. Cable and all those other such things will go on the credit card, as had Xmas so it’s looking mighty ugly on the credit card interest front too. There are a few more auto debit bounces that are going to happen but whats one to do? Ignore it is my philosophy right now because I sure as heck can’t fix it.

The headaches are getting better. 3 weeks of NO medication. It’s a very odd sensation. Anything mildy emotional makes me feel like chocking. When I say mildly emotional, I had to excuse myself several times just watching a cartoon. Stopping the drugs removed the filter, or mood regulator and not it soars and dips to its own uncontrollable beat. I go from complete apathy of sensation to burning choking heights of emotion. I like it, reminds me that this is who I am. I haven’t had the feel to cut because this pain provides the soothing, it guts me inside enough and then leaves me completely empty. I do find it fascinating watching this all happen in me and with me.

Well, Merry Christmas. It’s almost over.

fuck santa

My boyfriend asked me what I wanted for Christmas, asked me to just let him know so I could  save him the hassle of running around and trying to figure it out for me and give him a break. I felt very special. Thanks for putting some thought into me buddy, don’t want to put you out finding me a gift you might need to think too hard about. Like I want an obligation… oops I meant gift… now.  I’d rather just have your time and attention but that costs far too much.

Gotta give myself props, its been a terrific month and I am still standing. I think if I had stayed on my meds I might be in the hospital but spending all the time managing the pain from no meds has kept me too busy to chug my pills or slit a wrist. I don’t know how I will feel come Jan 8, no one remembers but I do, its the day I decided to die last year. I know when that day hits, it will be more than a ton of bricks, question is, what do I do on Jan 8?

Almost at 30/90.

{December 22, 2014}   If I Die Young

“If I Die Young” (translated)

If I die young, bury me in the sun
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the ocean at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh,
And life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in the sun
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the ocean at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing black, when I come into your helldom
I’m as green as the ring on my empty little finger,
I’ve never known the lovin’ of a life
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin’ my hand,
There’s a voice here in my head, says he’ll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by…

…the sharp knife of a short life, oh well?
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh, no, I’ll sell ’em for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’

If I die young, bury me in the sun
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the ocean at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ’em in your pocket
Save ’em for a time when you’re really gonna need ’em, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I’ll wear my pills

It’s been getting harder and harder to sleep and as much as I don’t like myself, I like myself even less addicted to something like Ativan. Excepting, of course, that these days, now that I am 100% certifiably BPD and off my Bupropion and Cipralex, I can’t sleep, the head is a country of its own with its own Taliban independent of me. I am still on the Trazadone but its like popping blanks, nothing happens. By about 8om the skull pounding reaches African rain God levels and I start with the Advil and Tylenol, then at about 10pm, I try and cut the tension with an Ativan, followed by a Trazadone. Even all those combined sleep is a battle I am not winning. Tonight, I am thinking of doubling the Trazadone and keeping the Ativan at the same level, as I know of all of them, that will be the addiction drug.


I told a girlfriend last night I had stopped meds. She couldn’t understand why and I really couldn’t recount to her that wit or without it didn’t make a difference. It hasnt helped me feel all that much better. Sure, things are harder now, but they were hard on the drugs too. And what the drugs did do, was mask to everyone else that I was ill and I am tired of hiding that. This is me, crazy me and you can say what you want but at least I give you now more excuses to say “well, you look fine” “you act fine” “you must be fucking fine so let me rip you a couple of new assholes about what a bitch you are”

Do you think for one minute I want to be this way?? That I want to have a brain I can’t control. That when go outside I spend 75% of my energy controlling my stimulus, controlling the sounds and lights that vibrate in my head. That i want to “pretend” I am OK so I can go to work, go to school, have friends and socialize. I hide who I am everyday even from the people who say they love and understand me, because if I didn’t, somehow you would all be disappointed. That I really should just try harder. You get such kudos for beating cancer, a survivor they say. Survivors are all of us that walk around with no cure, that hide in the gutters, that can’t scream I am a survivor and wear a pink shirt and ballcap and get pats on the back and congratulatory hugs and galas and charities thrown for them. I have been surviving for 30 years, still waiting for my mug.

Fuck the merry christmas off. The people that need your Christmas are those of us in the hospitals, in the homes, the ones that are miserable at Christmas because the world thinks we should be happy, be loved, be merry and bright. Bright? We live in the underworld mother fucker, throwing bright at us all day and now magnify it by 100%, no wonder holidays make us miserable, we don’t get the joy from the world.


I for one have not spoken to barely a soul outside of my 60 hour work weeks other than the cheery and bright happiness I need to give to all my clients. Maybe I should go pay $5000 for some of my own cheery and bright because it sure isn’t at home. Nice thing about this week is instead of 60 it may just be 40, party time. We all know the mental wall is slowing going to slam down, healthy people work 40 hour work weeks, unhealthy healthy people work 60-80. Crazy people who do it, well, we eventually get to go visit Robin Williams. I feel for him, being in the spotlight, everyone thought he was so happy and funny. Him having to pretend this was who he was must have made the private moments excruciating when he could let it be.

{December 19, 2014}   How To Tie Noose (**trigger)

{December 19, 2014}   ALONE

So bone tired today. I never thought it was possible to feel this tired again, I remember now why I started taking meds for bed. I was many weeks pregnant and no matter how exhausted I would spend the nights awake in misery willing my kind to turn off so the baby and myself could rest. Except right now I am taking my Trazadone every night and not being able to sleep. Is it because the Trazadone on its own without the other meds (which I have stopped taking) is now to weak to overcome the blasted sop that is my mind? My ears are full of sludge, every muscle, limb, nerve, bone is a dead weight. Cotton candy head with a chainsaw rolling inside.

The perfect time to be tree trimming alone, exhausted and depressed. Nothing merrier than sitting at home putting your tree up solo to make you feel like the loneliest saddest dump in the universe who doesn’t have anyone. Poetic, I could write a poem about the rain falling outside, alongside the tears that keep coming with every ornament I put up with all their attending memories of much happier times.


If I could wave my magic wand, as my ex psychologist used to say, I’d want to be gone in a puff of smoke for the next month till all of this was done. The other option is the hospital, get drugged, fed and put into oblivion while the world carols and toasts their Christmas cheer in lovely camaraderie. I am sure emergency is full of us sick fucks. They would probably reject me too due to no space and wouldn’t that really seal the angel on the tree of rejection.

Next year I should go on a Christmas retreat, just say good buy and find a meditation, no speaking retreat, shut the world out. The last 3 seasons have been miserable. Is there a such a thing as a happy mentally ill person at the holidays, when all emotions run high and being alone is the cruelest joke that can be played.

This is what mental health suggests for the holiday. I think I have a D or close to an F for taking care of myself this season. If the below was a quiz I most definitely failed.

9 Ideas for Coping with the Holidays When You Have a Mental Illness

Associate Editor

9 Ideas for Coping with the Holidays When You Have a Mental IllnessStress can throw anyone off-kilter. But when you have a mental illness, you might be extra vulnerable. “The demands, pressures and expectations of the holidays can be felt more intensely by people with mental illness,” according to Darlene Mininni, PhD, MPH, author of The Emotional Toolkit, who works privately with individuals and speaks nationally on topics related to emotional health and well-being.

“Having a mental illness is the same as having any chronic illness,” said Elvira G. Aletta, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and founder of Explore What’s Next, a comprehensive psychotherapy practice. So it helps to have a plan and take good care of yourself.

Here are nine tips for coping with the holidays.

1. Make yourself a priority.- IF THAT MEANS WORKING EVERYDAY AS A PRIORITY, A+

During the holidays, as we’re hosting, shopping, cooking, cleaning, attending get-togethers and checking off other tasks on our to-do lists, self-care often takes a backseat. But “your health comes first,” said Dr. Aletta, who’s also a Psych Central contributor.

This also means maintaining your routine as much as possible. “Make sure you get the sleep you need and keep up any activities that make you feel good such as exercise or time with friends,” Dr. Mininni said.


During the holiday season, many of us want to be many things to our loved ones. And we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. So we put pressure on ourselves along with a hefty side of stress-inducing guilt.

Remind yourself that pleasing everyone is unrealistic. “Set aside the guilt, push the pause button on it or throw it out completely if you can. Put it on a shelf, in a box, labeled ‘I will talk about this later with my therapist,’” Dr. Aletta said.

3. Keep connected.- BAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA

If you aren’t feeling well, you might be tempted to isolate yourself. But this will just make you feel worse, Dr. Mininni said. “If you’re not in the holiday mood, consider spending time with a friend or calling a person who cares about you. Connecting with just one person can make you 10 times less likely to get depressed,” she said.

4. Tune into your feelings—and be honest.- I GET AN A FOR THIS ONE, I AM HONEST, ALONE AND HONEST

You may love your family very much. But if you’re honest with yourself, you might realize that being with them also can be stressful. Coming to this realization, while uncomfortable, will help you figure out better ways to cope, Dr. Aletta said.

5. Identify what you really want to do.- DIE CRY SLEEP FOREVER

For instance, you might want to spend the entire day with your family or just go for dessert, Dr. Aletta said. “Once being with [your family] is a choice instead of a gun-to-your-head obligation maybe you can relax a bit.”

6. Plan a timeout when stress strikes.- BEEN DOING A LOT OF THE CRYING, CHECK THAT ONE OFF

Dr. Aletta encouraged readers to give themselves permission to leave a stressful situation. Your “strategic retreat” may be anything from walking the dog to getting tea at a café to listening to soothing music to having a good cry, she said. Then decide whether the healthier choice is to return to the get-together or go home.

7. Buddy up.- WTH WHO?

“Have a confidant close by or on speed dial: a friend, cousin, sister or niece who ‘gets it,’” Dr. Aletta said. In fact, “She may need your help to get through as much as you need hers,” she added.


Alcohol can interfere with medication and exacerbate symptoms. It also might spark an altercation or two. “You do not want to be disinhibited when there is even one person in the room who can hit your buttons with an emotional Taser,” Dr. Aletta said. On a similar note, she suggested that readers avoid confronting people in general.

9. Laugh—a lot.- SEE ABOVE. I JUST DID LAUGH.

“See the humor wherever and whenever you can,” Dr. Aletta said. That’s because humor heals. (If you’d like some proof, Therese Borchard’s piece on humor is a must-read.)

{December 18, 2014}   All kinds of …

Just took me 45min to write maybe 6 sentences to my boyfriend. Without my meds it felt like I was going to throw up and have my stomach dissolve all at the same time, not to mention cry too. Horrid. Terrible time of year, terrible state of mind, terrible everything and having blanked out as much as I could of our last night together it just brought it all back up in a choke of misery in my throat. Been trying to take deep breaths so the children don’t wonder why I sound like a dying gasping fish with a hook through its gills.

Pathetic, it wasn’t even a huge emotional email, I just had to find out what was happening with Christmas. It’s a heightened emotional time of year (last year I almost died, so this year is shaping up to be pretty OK all things considered), it involves children, it involves moving pieces and it involves trying to be cheerful and find the light. if I can help it the hospital won’t be my Happy New Year this year.

Though, depending on if he’s been drinking or tired or stressed or hot or pressured when he reads my email I can expect anything from a nice email back or a tirade, I just don’t know, which means even if he writes back I may just hit delete, which then means I have no idea what happens with Christmas but is Christmas really dependent on my boyfriend, no, except that our lives are 4 years in, so yes. Really, it was a very measured email, it did take 45min, trying not to be emotional and very matter of fact based on just trying to be logical.

It’s Dec 19 tomorrow and I have done nothing, no decor, no happy joy joy, just been in my mental cave. There is a tree in his apartment but I don’t know whether to decorate it, leave it, return it… last we spoke there was not much that was wanted around me and last I want to do is make the place all happy and christmas and then feel like a fool if he comes back and pretty much ignores everything. In general I feel like the unwanted furniture, in between the TV and the laptop. If I was a. told I was a fucking bitch b. caused nothing but unhappiness c. got into another fight 3 days before Christmas, no matter how strong I am, it won’t end well for me.

OMG, enough blah blah blah, whatever happens will happen, up, down around, sick, dead, sad, grinched, depressed.

I just cried at The Flash, wow, all kinds of too many fucked up.

“Check in on friends struggling with depression. Even if they don’t answer the phone or come to the door, make an effort to let them know that you are there. Friendship isn’t about saving lost souls; friendship is about…  being present.”


Suicide is a decision made out of desperation, hopelessness, isolation and loneliness. The black hole that is clinical depression is all-consuming. Feeling like a burden to loved ones, feeling like there is no way out, feeling trapped and feeling isolated are all common among people who suffer from depression.
People who say that suicide is selfish always reference the survivors. It’s selfish to leave children, spouses and other family members behind, so they say. They’re not thinking about the survivors, or so they would have us believe. What they don’t know is that those very loved ones are the reason many people hang on for just one more day. They do think about the survivors, probably up until the very last moment in many cases. But the soul-crushing depression that envelops them leaves them feeling like there is no alternative. Like the only way to get out is to opt out. And that is a devastating thought to endure.

Until you’ve stared down that level of depression, until you’ve lost your soul to a sea of emptiness and darkness… you don’t get to make those judgments. You might not understand it, and you are certainly entitled to your own feelings, but making those judgments and spreading that kind of negativity won’t help the next person. In fact, it will only hurt others.

As the world mourns the loss of Robin Williams, people everywhere are left feeling helpless and confused. How could someone who appeared so happy in actuality be so very depressed? The truth is that many, many people face the very same struggle each and every day. Some will commit suicide. Some will attempt. And some will hang on for dear life. Most won’t be able to ask for the help that they need to overcome their mental illness.

You can help.

Know the warning signs for suicide. 50-75% of people who attempt suicide will tell someone about their intention. Listen when people talk. Make eye contact. Convey empathy. And for the love of people everywhere, put down that ridiculous not-so-SmartPhone and be human.

Check in on friends struggling with depression. Even if they don’t answer the phone or come to the door, make an effort to let them know that you are there. Friendship isn’t about saving lost souls; friendship is about listening and being present.

Reach out to survivors of suicide. Practice using the words “suicide” and “depression” so that they roll off the tongue as easily as “unicorns” and “bubble gum.” Listen as they tell their stories. Hold their hands. Be kind with their hearts. And hug them every single time.

Encourage help. Learn about the resources in your area so that you can help friends and loved ones in need. Don’t be afraid to check in over and over again. Don’t be afraid to convey your concern. One human connection can make a big difference in the life of someone struggling with mental illness and/or survivor’s guilt.


{December 18, 2014}   Tinder Box

Day 9 or maybe 10 without drugs, my head is a tinder box. Been bearable, painful but bearable till yesterday when I had kids and needed to focus on too many things simultaneously and it felt like gunshots exploding behind my retina and shrapnel lodging into every crevice in my head. It’s a lesson on focus, I’m emotional and I’m trigger happy and I don’t have the capacity to handle very much without the drugs. I literally stopped and held my head in my hands in the middle of the drugstore yesterday thinking my skull was cracking.

Why am I doing this? To prove to myself there is an illness here. I had to take a step back after the blow out 10 days ago to wonder is he right, am I really just faking this all and being a martyr (don’t get my on the subject of the real martyr). Somehow I have been fooling the cadre of specialists and doctors I have seen over the last 15 years and making these symptoms up and committing suicide for attention. Wow, I must be a really fucked up normal person.

As this experiment has shown me, life without drugs is what I imagine the worst hell must be like but at least it makes me feel real, that what I am is real, that I am really fucking sick no matter what the fuck you say and I can feel it with every fibre of my body these days, a rapid shot  firing squad that never goes away and never gives me time to think otherwise. I am thinking I should just flush all the damn drugs down the toilet and live in this purgatory, honestly, I sort of like it, no excuses, paying for your sins with a daily reminder.

Last night was one of the worst nights with the stress of kids and demand of work, there was no sleep, just a pantheon of nasty images, words, sweat and then the panic of getting up and getting the children to school with no sleep and 10 minutes to not spare.

I had a happy happy moment yesterday, stopped by to visit a gfriend’s newborn baby and my heart skipped a beat and my biological clock ticked so hard it was deafening. Just holding the little bundle of baby smells, warm breath, bitty hands and gurgling smiles was enough medication to last a year, precious and heart warming. I don’t know why my body wants a child when my head is clearly seeing logic. The damn biological clock is broken and can’t figure out we are too tired and old and also fixed. Though I can see the joy of a child, tropics, nanny, space, no financial worries and a hobby.

Anyways, time for some Advil and back to my 60 hour work week. Sayonara mother fuckers.

Navigating the Holidays When You Have Depression

Associate Editor

For people with depression, the holidays can be a challenging time. People with the illness “tend to have a negative view of themselves and their lives,” said Selena C. Snow, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist who specializes in treating depression in Rockville, Md.

“If they have overly idealized beliefs about what the holidays should look like, the resulting discrepancy can be very difficult.”

They may feel inadequate or like their lives are lacking, she said. Receiving others’ holiday cards and family newsletters — where people share only their happy news — can contribute to these feelings and erroneous beliefs that others are doing much better, she said.

Plus, “when people are depressed they often withdraw and self-isolate and the emphasis on spending time with family and friends during the holiday season can be particularly difficult for them when they do not feel that they have many friends with whom they have maintained relationships.” This pertains to depression that is a part of clinical depression, seasonal affective disorder, or bipolardisorder.

But it also depends on your views of the holiday season. For instance, Ruth White, Ph.D, MPH, MSW, author of the bookPreventing Bipolar Relapse, isn’t big on Christmas. “I usually just spend it alone with my daughter and sometimes with friends or family. Because I am not emotionally engaged with the holiday season, I don’t find it has an impact on my bipolar disorder.”

Therese Borchard, who writes the blog “Sanity Break,” enjoys the magic of the holidays but does end up feeling more stressed. “I have more on my to-do list, and the stress of that often starts to drag my mood down. There are also the family gatherings, and even the most functional and happy family is going to run into two personalities who can’t sit next to each other for a turkey dinner.”

For Borchard, self-care is key during the holidays. She continues to exercise regularly and prioritize sleep. She also reaches out to her online support group, and to others who might need support. “[H]elping someone who is in pain helps me.”

“I love the holidays. They help brighten the shortest days of the year where joy can seem as scarce as sunlight,” said Douglas Cootey, who pens the award-winning blog “A Splintered Mind.” But since his divorce several years ago, the holidays have been more difficult, because his kids aren’t with him the entire time.

“I find that sometimes I have to push myself to prepare for the holidays so that I can enjoy them when my children are with me. Otherwise, I might ignore the holidays and just work. When did I become such a Scrooge?!”

Cootey’s kids help him temper any humbug tendencies. “They need me to celebrate the holidays, and that forces me to overcome my depression for them. I also find that celebrating the holidays with my children helps me fake it until I make it. As stressful as this time of year can be, there are immediate upsides for all that good cheer. Here and there are tiny moments that are bright like sunshine, which make me glad I made the effort to get out and have fun with my girls.”

Whether the holidays are emotionally intense or extra hectic for you, these tips may help.

Keep up your routine.

Both Borchard and White stressed the importance of sticking to your routine. “You need structure and routine during the holidays more than ever,” Borchard said. For instance, keep eating nutrient-rich foods and getting restful sleep.

Keep active.

White suggested getting outside and getting in some physical activity. “No matter how cold or how snowy it is, a nice walk on a crisp winter day can keep depression at bay and gives you a sense of peace, calm and accomplishment (at getting exercise).”

Keep a mood journal.

“Writing down your exercise, diet, sleep and mood helps you become more responsible for it,” said Borchard, also author of the book Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes.


“Examine what aspects [of the holidays] are truly important and meaningful to you and prioritize accordingly,” Snow said. That helps you in simplifying the holidays and minimizing stress.

For instance, if spending time in the kitchen with your kids is important, consider decorating store-bought cookies rather than baking from scratch, she said. If spending time with your extended family is tough, consider cutting down the time of your visit (which you might tolerate better), she said.

Find reasons to celebrate.

“All year long depression pulls you down. Let the holidays give you a reason to be lifted up,” Cootey said. For instance, he suggested everything from decorating your home to listening to music to finding things to be joyous about.

Focus on the theme.

Similarly, Cootey suggested finding the theme of the holiday you observe and turning it into a coping strategy that works for you. For instance, Thanksgiving can help you focus on what you’re thankful for. Christmas can help you focus on giving and volunteering.

“I have found doing this has elevated my moods and filled me with greater purpose during the darkest days of the year.”

Rethink gifts.

Instead of buying gifts – which spikes financial stress – give your loved ones the gift of time or service, White said. She buys one gift every year, which is for her daughter. “I don’t believe in the whole commercial aspect but see it more as a time to enjoy my loved ones.”

Help others.

“There is so much sadness and loneliness out there,” Borchard said. “Despite all the gifts on your to-do list, stopping for a moment to talk to a lonely neighbor can boost your mood. Taking the time to write someone a holiday card from the heart can have surprise benefits.”

White agreed. “[F]inding a way to give back to the community … improves mood and takes the focus away from ourselves.”

Try an activity you enjoy.

Borchard suggested doing one holiday activitiy you enjoy, such as seeing the “Nutcracker” or the “Messiah” opera or going to a train exhibit. Also, “try to make it as magical as possible for kids: Elf on the Shelf, stockings, Advent calendars, etc.”

If the holidays are especially tough for you, reach out. Seek support. (For instance, the Depression and Bipolar Support Allianceoffers in-person and online support groups for people with mood disorders, Snow said.)

Keep prioritizing self-care, focus on your values and engage in holiday activities you enjoy.

{December 15, 2014}   Day 6? or 7?

Day 6 or maybe 7 sans drugs… my head is splitting. Ive decided I am self torturing because its non harmful no one can see and there is no blood. I get such hate when I cut. Maybe not hate but people act like its something I choose to do, oh  like “fuck herm we’ll just ignore her” Never mind that she’s in so much fucking pain she’s slicing her skin open with a knife, did you think about that  mother fucker when you decided to be judgmental? Fucking mental pariah. At least this way its not known, I can fucking hurt to no end and since no one gives a shit anyways, at least I’m getting the relief I need. It’s not like I get any assistance anyways, may as well hide it. My own personal walking memento crushing my skull in.

I am kind of curious what would happen if I did have anything to upset the balance, would even stop to think? In a few more days the drugs will be completely out of my system and any buffer will be gone. So, if you did trigger me, what would happen. These days it doesn’t matter much, I don’t talk to anyone, I don’t interact with anyone  in any personal level. It’s just me, my head and my dreams in an empty house. No triggers, just me and my flat line, crying at useless shit and then getting on with the mundanity.

screaming-kidI went shopping today. Every screaming child I saw I wanted to scream right back at. Why the hell would you bring your screaming child out? For shits sake, take them the hell outside, I’m not paying for this shopping experience. If you had a bum in the store causing havoc, security would remove them. If I said something I’d look like some child racist. Then the mothers with the kids, I’m sorry this is not daycare, it’s a shop. I was ready with fisticuffs for every newborn/toddle mother out there letting their kid tantrum and have fits over what they could or could not get, spoiled shits. Just stay home and keep the suffering to yourself, no need to share your bastard child from hell. I’ve had kids, I’m not a ranting lunatic (well maybe), if I didn’t let my kids act like that I have no patience for you to bring daycare into my world. I had to leave before I punched a child or kicked a mother. I am all for adult only resorts, shopping malls and planes. Train your kids, learn to parent or stay the fuck home.

Its 11:30pm, if I go to bed now it’ll be a crap sleep. Need a new book, magazine, something.

If I had a third arm I could be pulled into 3 pieces between all the people that, weirdly enough, think I do nothing, yet all want something. She does fuck all and we don’t think she knows fuck all and generally she’s fucking useless but we all want her to fucking do as much as she can. Seriously? I am secretly hoping that without the drugs, i’ll eventually fall into the place where it hurts too much too hurt at which point all shuts down and then they put you to pasture. I think I worked 80 hours this week, the 30-40 I normally work, that I don’t work according to the powers that be and the extra 30 hours I am seen as working. I am fuck all tired.visine My eyes are so dry I’ve used enough eye drops to poison myself. Did you know that you can poison someone wth eyedrops? Just feed them a few drops in water everyday. I’ve thought about that for myself before (I may know all the ways to die) but it takes too long and it hurts like MOFO.

9/90? As soon as I can get a break, clock is ticking, still 80 more days. Can’t even use my own computer for this. Need to find an internet cafe somewhere. At least it has stopped raining, maybe when I head north.


et cetera
A Forgetful Traveler

Remembering the world one blog post at a time

Life after BPD

Life after Borderline Personality Disorder; making a life worth living through love, laughter, positivity and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy

Bi-polar parenting

Thoughts and ideas

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