Day 2/90 long night last night, with very little sleep but no sleep meant no nightmares and no sweaty sheets. It seems night 2 will be the same, can’t go to sleep, all these words and thoughts in and around my head, brain, body. Once sleep sinks in so do all my defences to keep all of it at bay. Waiting for exhaustion to hit so when darkness comes, it is just that darkness. Feeling pretty bruised, all sides, all angles, not sure there are any parts left of me to take a swipe at, I couldn’t sell a chunk of flesh for spare change. As far as public opinion goes I’m a wastrel, not much good at anything at the moment. God forbid anyone believes I did any work today, may as well have sat on my ass eating Hoho’s and Twinkies if I wanted to, same effect.
Back to the city tomorrow, duty calls. Smile on. Stick all the dark clouds, evil critters and that ever encompassing pain away for 10 hours and announce to the world all is well in crazy world. How on earth could I possibly be sick, no sense being sick if no one thinks you’re sick. Easier to come home and be sick alone and drugged than have to deal with all the idiots out there with their comparisons and opinions. Try living my shoes for the next 2 days, you’d be slicing your wrists and crying “uncle” within an hour. The looney patrol would have you trussed up and in a padded room in 2 seconds flat. I’ve seen the BPD folks in enough classes and let me say, having a job is the 1% of the 1% of the 1% of BPD sufferers, let alone getting washed or changed. I need to go visit my crazy BPD kinfolk to get some respect for this life. Find the peeps that can hear me, understand me, and remind me that I am not alone and that there are people who know, who feel, who live this too. Gosh forbid, see ME as a role model not a pathetic, lazy, uninspiring, hateful being.
Sadly, no classes anytime soon. Sadly, no money for the next 2 months too to even go visit the friendly neighbourhood understanding shrink.
I did some research on my little project today, as expected it’s going to be a couple of months to set in motion but it’s a goal. Not much to say but the machinations are gearing up if not moving yet. More research and time. A dry day would help too but there’s time aplenty, slow and steady went the tortoise.