{December 12, 2014}   Cruel Joke

Big lonely ache tonight, a cavity in my chest . I swallow and my swallow drops hollow to a bottomless hole. It’s Christmas time, fun, merriment, love and friends, laughter even. Went to a Christmas concert, essentially alone tonight, though I knew many many people there from an old life. Inside looking in, wondering if it is possibly to ever belong, or even feel comfortable enough to ever belong. Listening to the music brought lost emotions up, as the art always does for me. I don’t know why I don’t make it a point to stay in active in the arts when I enjoy watching, being, feeling it so much. It touches a place inside of me, I forget exists. But once the curtain closes and the show ends, the cocoon burst and it was me again, alone, feeling bereft and missing the safety and warmth the performance enclosed me within.


So hear I sit, noticing the tingles from my toes up into my chest, where they fall into the bermuda triangle of numbness, sorrow and emptiness. The parts I can feel, don’t feel like me, and the parts I can’t feel, I still feel as missing. How much more fucked up can it get. I imagine a razor blade so sharp, i can run it down the side of my body, splitting skin effortlessly, stripping it off, feeling free, ripping it off and removing the weight. How can one’s own skin feel so foreign to live in? How can a heart be so heavy it doesn’t fit in your chest?

Such a cruel joke. I want to throw up my guts, wrench off my skin and pierce my chest and it all feels good, I daydream about shit like this, I dream about destroying myself, of people hating on me and wake up in pools of my own sweat with clothing dripping, clinging to me. I am so tired this week, and I just keep on ticking, ticking, ticking.

I tried to feel holly jolly and look at presents today. May as well have stuck pins through the bottom of my feet and thrown me into a tornado, I lasted 5 minutes surrounded by all those people I wanted to hit and then curl into a ball in a dark corner. I am not OK

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et cetera
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