Day 6 or maybe 7 sans drugs… my head is splitting. Ive decided I am self torturing because its non harmful no one can see and there is no blood. I get such hate when I cut. Maybe not hate but people act like its something I choose to do, oh like “fuck herm we’ll just ignore her” Never mind that she’s in so much fucking pain she’s slicing her skin open with a knife, did you think about that mother fucker when you decided to be judgmental? Fucking mental pariah. At least this way its not known, I can fucking hurt to no end and since no one gives a shit anyways, at least I’m getting the relief I need. It’s not like I get any assistance anyways, may as well hide it. My own personal walking memento crushing my skull in.
I am kind of curious what would happen if I did have anything to upset the balance, would even stop to think? In a few more days the drugs will be completely out of my system and any buffer will be gone. So, if you did trigger me, what would happen. These days it doesn’t matter much, I don’t talk to anyone, I don’t interact with anyone in any personal level. It’s just me, my head and my dreams in an empty house. No triggers, just me and my flat line, crying at useless shit and then getting on with the mundanity.
I went shopping today. Every screaming child I saw I wanted to scream right back at. Why the hell would you bring your screaming child out? For shits sake, take them the hell outside, I’m not paying for this shopping experience. If you had a bum in the store causing havoc, security would remove them. If I said something I’d look like some child racist. Then the mothers with the kids, I’m sorry this is not daycare, it’s a shop. I was ready with fisticuffs for every newborn/toddle mother out there letting their kid tantrum and have fits over what they could or could not get, spoiled shits. Just stay home and keep the suffering to yourself, no need to share your bastard child from hell. I’ve had kids, I’m not a ranting lunatic (well maybe), if I didn’t let my kids act like that I have no patience for you to bring daycare into my world. I had to leave before I punched a child or kicked a mother. I am all for adult only resorts, shopping malls and planes. Train your kids, learn to parent or stay the fuck home.
Its 11:30pm, if I go to bed now it’ll be a crap sleep. Need a new book, magazine, something.
If I had a third arm I could be pulled into 3 pieces between all the people that, weirdly enough, think I do nothing, yet all want something. She does fuck all and we don’t think she knows fuck all and generally she’s fucking useless but we all want her to fucking do as much as she can. Seriously? I am secretly hoping that without the drugs, i’ll eventually fall into the place where it hurts too much too hurt at which point all shuts down and then they put you to pasture. I think I worked 80 hours this week, the 30-40 I normally work, that I don’t work according to the powers that be and the extra 30 hours I am seen as working. I am fuck all tired. My eyes are so dry I’ve used enough eye drops to poison myself. Did you know that you can poison someone wth eyedrops? Just feed them a few drops in water everyday. I’ve thought about that for myself before (I may know all the ways to die) but it takes too long and it hurts like MOFO.
9/90? As soon as I can get a break, clock is ticking, still 80 more days. Can’t even use my own computer for this. Need to find an internet cafe somewhere. At least it has stopped raining, maybe when I head north.