{January 2, 2015}   Happy New Mind… crazy as a loon… loving it

It’s been almost a month since I went cold turkey cold-turkeyon my pills. The daily migraines have finally finally abated. Now they only show up if provoked by their dearest friend stress, who, also has abated a bit. Not to any change in circumstance, physical circumstance, still slogging away very unpleasantly but pretty much trying not to give a damn. I think I cared too much before, now I feel like, fine, do what you want, tell me what you want and I’ll do it, agree or not, good or bad, that’s what you want I will suck it up. Go home cry my tears, hate the hate and go back and do it again, except each time less vested.

I figured out what those pops in my brain are/were, when I felt like I was slapped in the inside of the head and electrocuted. They’re called brain zaps, part and parcel of drug withdrawal. Yup, it feels as awful as it sounds. All of a sudden you’re snapped and become a zombie for a few minutes till it shakes off and you go “WTF just happened”. All fine and well when I am alone though it has happened in the presence of people a few times (laughing out loud).

Emotions still hit me like a freighter going full tilt with no warning. I choke up at everything, EVERYTHING. The thing about being on mood stabilizers is they don’t let you feel, or their goal is to rein your band in, add a little zombie sauce to your soup. now i FEEL, to the point where I need to duck away if something too emotional comes up because I can’t control the reaction in time. i FEEL anger much more too, where I used to be able to shrug it off, these days I can feel a little tingle of confrontation wanting me to tell people I would never say this to before to just “F-off, I don’t give a flying F”.

rats assIt would be all good and fine if it weren’t the fact that I want to say this to my working partner. The woman is like a rodent gnawing away at me. I can’t image her face these days without an image of massive rodent teeth and a jittering nose coming to mind, it’s very disconcerting. Seriously, the woman does not know how to just take a chill pill. I am all jumped up trying to keep myself in check as is, trying to haul around a rodent nibbling at my ass all day is giving me rabies.

Back to withdrawal, its been interesting, painful, painful, painful but, as I mentioned before, I like it. Reality 101. The other thing I like, it’s all mine. I haven’t told anyone yet, I don’t want to hear all the blah blah blah blah BLAH. I can feel my illness coursing through me, I don’t have to wonder if I am feeling in a good place, bad place, secure place, 1-10 place, it’s always there and no matter what anyone else says or does, I kinda cackle at the insanity going in in me as people are talking to me. Makes me feel like I am finally living in my world and the outside stuff, it’s like my joke world, with all these little players jibbering at me like I am normal and inside I’m laughing.

This all makes me seem crazy but YES I AM. Shout it from the rooftops, I feel it, I know it. Dare I say, I may even be happy about it. insomnia

The bummer, the sleep. Withdrawal means no sleep according to the books, blogs, internet, etc. Too much medical synapse fuck ups going on now. I’ve taken my body used to 15 years of medications of the plug its and trying to re-set with no where to go according to the docs. The prognosis on where it will settle is not very positive, but since I am OK for now, just going to go with it. I have to be a bit careful, am a bit worried about my self medicating to try and pass out between ativan, seroquel, clonazepam, trazadone, sinus medications, advil… nothing seems to really work and I haven’t looked up the medical mixing consequences of all of these. Almost like Russian roulette at bedtime, will I wake up. Unfortunately, according to my Fitbit I have been getting 4-4.5 hours of sleep a night. No bullet yet.

Crazy crazy new year and crazy crazy me. Hallelujah. Today, I am glad to be alive and proud to be borderline!

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