borderlinegirlliveshere











{January 9, 2015}   Happy Fucking Birthday To Me

My boyfriend is a mean drunk and if you intimate anything anything even close to that to him, or even that he has had too much to drink, he becomes a vindictive drunk. He drinks a bottle of wine if not more a night. And yes, he is in denial about his drinking as well as his life. He blames or at least feel everyone owes him for all he has ever done. The kind of person that will doubt someone before he trusts them, and even so, there is always a bead of that no one knows best or more than he does.

At what point does the scale tip, the tipping factor, of what you owe someone and what rights they have over how they treat you? Because he has done so much for me, the unsaid line in our relationship is I shut up and I have no rights. I can be told off, sworn at and ripped to shreds but I deserve it and if not deserve it, he’s given me so much, that I cannot raise a word to defend myself without all that has ever been done for me rained up on my head.

Is this mental abuse. Yes. I have been to enough therapy that if I brought it up in therapy I would be called out on it immediately. He asked me why I hadn’t talked to any of my friends since before Christmas. I almost laughed. Because I was embarrassed to tell them how my boyfriend called me names you wouldn’t treat a beggar in the street to. That when he’s drunk, he calls me a fucking bitch, that I’m useless and should be grateful for all he has done. So who do I tell? who do I tell without seeming like those patheric women they write about in magazines that make excuses for the men they love. That it’s OK he said this to me because xxxx. Because I deserved it. Because he didn’t know what he was saying. Because he was drunk and didn’t mean it. Because, because, because.

mental abuse

I am smarter than that but his tongue is far sharper and more hurtful than mine and its never a situation I will ever come out ahead if I did speak up for myself. So, I see the  bottle of wine start to dwindle down and I make an excuse that I’m tried and go to bed. Has he ever noticed that I am always in bed before he finshes a bottle of wine, and that when I am not, I try and stay as clear of conversation with him as I can? Of course not, because in his mind, he is never drunk and whatever he says is justified and deserving.

No woman should ever let herself be belittled this way and yet… here I am, letting myself be disrespected because I don’t feel I have the right or I am, to be honest, too scared of the pain to stand up for myself, or knowing that I will feel the pain and still not come out ahead, so I shut up, clam up, feel the pain alone and talk to no one because I am embarrassed. Embarrassed that I am “you fucking bitch” or the “fuck you”s I get for not wanting to engage in a conversation that I know will be hurtful. Doctors always tell me to walk away in therapy, walk away because taking the next step will be more hurtful than walking away. Is it true? Probably, because the one time I did try to stick up almost cost me emotionally.

Signs
When we argue and my opinion on anything that is different then his, or if I get defensive he:
-calls me a fucking bitch, a useless person, a spoiled princess, and just not smart in general
-tells me to shut the fuck up, fuck off, fuck you, etc.
Sometimes he blames his language on “that I deserve it,”, and he’s done a lot for me, so I should “shut up and listen”

wordscanhurt

A relationship can be abusive even without physical violence. Verbal abuse may not cause physical damage, but it does cause emotional pain and scarring.Sometimes verbal abuse is so bad that you actually start believing what your partner says. Constantly being criticized and told you aren’t good enough causes you to lose confidence and lowers your self esteem. As a result, you may start to blame yourself for your partner’s abusive behavior.

IS THIS ME?

Advertisements


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

et cetera
Life after BPD

Life after Borderline Personality Disorder; making a life worth living through love, laughter, positivity and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy

confessionsofbpd

The secret life of high-functioning borderline personality disorder.

Bi-polar parenting

Thoughts and ideas

%d bloggers like this: