{January 11, 2015}   I Am Strong

Went to yoga today and dedicated my practice to me. First time. I take pride in the fact that most practices I dedicate to people who need or else I dedicate my energy to family, peace, living but tonight it was for me, for my empowerment and for the fact that I realized most people don’t have the growth I have seen in my lifetime ever. I have been to highs and lows unimaginable and dragged myself out by fingertips to survive what I do daily, with not much appreciation, not even from myself.

Today, I appreciated me.

For the last 15 years i have moulded, changed, suffered, enlightened and listened to more people than I can count on what I should do, what I should think, how I should change, where I should focus, who I should be, what classes I should take, how to breathe, how to walk away, how i might live, how to speak, how to think, how to cry, how to fight, every tiny particle of my life has been taken apart and put back together, analyzed and mapped. This is from psychiatrists, psychologists, GPs, counsellors, well meaning friends, families, significant others, clueless people, people with hero complexes, unsolicited advice,know-it-alls, you name it, everyone has an idea empirical or not on how I should be, should act, should think, should feel and should do. Most of the doctors get it, they should and I have changed tenfold because of them, who I am today is night and day from the mess I was 10 years ago. Very few non medical people actually have been through and seen the metamorphosis to acknowledge the work and change, my ex husband, my best friend, my sister, that’s likely all that know how hard this road has been and how much has been achieved. I think they are the only 3 that don’t lecture me, want to change me, tell me what I should be doing, or assume they know how I feel or belittle what I do feel. They know, they’ve seen, they’ve seen so much and they appreciate me, the Everest of a climb they’ve come along and the person I have worked so hard to keep going.

I looked in the mirror today, I am proud, I’ve let too many people make me doubt in the last 5 years, doubt my strength, doubt my work, my accomplishments, doubt my pain, doubt my suffering, and to my shame I have let myself doubt me. It’s no one’s fault but my own to not realize that I’m my own hero, that I let the negative thoughts and opinions affect who I am, and I let myself believe the character judgements levied against me. I have spent time doubting me, letting people’s words hurt me and then the words in my head believe, cycling me down. I need to look back at the other people, really look at them, strip their shells and their clothes and realize for every fault they find in me, I need to look back and realize, they are not perfect either and it’s makes me no less of a person for what they think, no matter how they say it, or hurtful it may sound.

I am smart, I am a hard worker. I am strong. I know what to do. I have more real empathy in my little finger than most people can find in a lifetime. When I give, I give 150% of my emotion to anyone in need, not because you ask, not because I feel obligated, not because it’s what I am supposed to do, and when I give, it’s free of resentment. I am the perfect Peace Corp candidate, except that it would kill me, because I don’t have a shut off filter for empathy, I’ll pour my soul out to the wounded and sick and forget that I am sick in return. I feel with every fibre in my being, it’s part of my sickness, but it is also a positive, they’re real and they are strong and they are true and they do not lie.

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et cetera
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