borderlinegirlliveshere











{January 27, 2015}   I am a eunuch.

I don’t think this post has much to do with BPD, therapy or any such therapeutic lessons.

I haven’t felt attractive or desired in over 6 months, could be longer and I’m doing myself a favour, I could be a eunuch.  I can look in the mirror and appreciate myself most days, critique flaws that are probably not there, and admire things about myself that are. Ia m OK, with me, from my own sense of self. However, as a woman, a feeling, sentient, emotional being, I haven’t had any positive affirmation that I am an attractive or desirable female. Now that I have been off my meds for over 2 months, I realize how ego crushing it has been, to not feel wanted physically. I’ve made all sort of excuses for myself and others, but in the end, it comes down to facts. It can happen that there are times where life gets in the way, tiredness, you name it, but after 6 months, I just have to come to terms with the fact that I may not be attractive physically or sexually to someone. I am OK with that, personal choice and all, but WTF to myself, how much more obtuse does it need to be for me to have an ah-hah moment. Dude, he’s just not that in to you.

Anyways, this isn’t meant to be a huge exposition, just an ah-hah moment on my own denial. I needed to just acknowledge that it took a mountain for me to see an ant hill. As Homer would say “doh”.

When I say BPD doesn’t have anything to do with this, that’s not entirely accurate, I know the drugs dampen libido which gives me a good excuse to excuse other excuses. Truth is, I don’t want to be a written off and accept myself as undesirable. Perhaps I am past that age, and I am kind of pissed at myself for not saying “hey, here I am, do you like what you see, if you don’t, just tell me.”. I didn’t do this and I am grumpy, not mad (as that’s far too much energy) that I am in my frickn’ sexual prime and no one notices and I’ve put caring about it so low on the totem pole I could be a eunuch.

I think you have to be male to be a eunuch, but you get my point, I am a eunuch. No one is interested in me, and I’ve spent so much time being interested in someone that’s not interested in me I don’t have any interest anywhere else. What a dumb ass.

I feel much like Buddha now (sorry Buddha for comparing myself to you). Asexual. I’m finally at that damn age where men no longer realize you exist and when they do, they consider you something akin to their grandmother.

I’m shaking my head at how I managed to put myself in this position, where I have stymied my sexuality that I can’t find it right now. Hellllooooooooooo? Sex? Is that foreign language?

“Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate…” Germaine Greer

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Life after BPD

Life after Borderline Personality Disorder; making a life worth living through love, laughter, positivity and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy

confessionsofbpd

The secret life of high-functioning borderline personality disorder.

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