{January 29, 2015}   Ativan Days

Trying to leave the house and get to work, it’s feels like someone pulling my nails out one by one as I try and get to the door. Tears won’t quit and sweat is literally dripping down my wamrs and it hurts like being stabbed in the gut by a serrated knife that won’t dislodge. All I want is to just curl up on the couch and tell them to fuck off, the voices in my heads and all the detractors. I can’t do any better than I am doing, take it or leave it, but just quit trying to make me into someone I am not.

Thankfully, I feel steady inside in that deep place that where today would normally mean a blood bath on my arm I have managed to stay conscious enough to know this is not my fault, I am not doubting me but what I do want is to get away from the people that doubt me, press me, distrust me.

Kudos to me,

My DBF at Christmas pretty much told me due to me there hasn’t been any happy in 3 years and I am an ungrateful beeyatch. Always good for the mental health.

Work hasn’t said one affirmative word to me since i started working there. It’s pretty much been a litany of what has not been done, done wrong, managed wrong or the best part today, how I have been taking advantage of the company. Seriously, if you have an issue, quit beating me up and just find someone else. I don’t need to hear everyday about my shortcomings and mistakes.

This should all pale next to the fact that I am still grieving for a friend that died. It’s my father’s death anniversary in a week and he would have turned 80 this week. It was his birthday, my sister and I had a good cry together.

My disability paperwork has been a government roller coaster of give, take, give and take. At least that feels normal, no surprise there, dealing with known quantity.

Positives, you cannot make me fucking acknowledge that I am bad, I work fucking hard, I am a good friend, I loved my DBF very much and i do everything honestly and straight forward, and I trust. TRUST. Does no one have that anymore? Respect? Maybe I need to be a meaner more vindictive person but that’s not who I want to be, I do believe that they are good people, with good souls, who do things without need for gain. People before things, people before money. You want me to be that horrid person, I can let my BPD go, I’ll show you psychosis and untrustworthy, let Gollum out of the cage, he’ll show you evil, mean, vindictive, passive aggressive, addictive personality.

The good, I do have a partner, working partner, that does get it, we work well together, we do damn good work, people admire us and we don’t deal with drama and pettiness. Gotta see the positive. I have an amazing family, which credit to me, they’re good selfless sentient people because they were raised by good people.

So, the long and short, it may be another Ativan day to get through the pettiness of the day and the emails and the people. The storm is still ahead, I can feel it in my gut. A few more hammers coming down, like whack a mole, which one/s will finally get me or will i manage to doge and escape them and get out of the game. I don’t need to play this game but I am truly hoping that  people will realize that there is a better way to be and to treat people.

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et cetera
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Remembering the world one blog post at a time

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