Reality, it’s being picked up by your feet and swung into a concrete wall. I am back in reality and it feels worse than when I left, struggling to hold down tears and nausea as hurt, pain, guilt, sadness and revulsion pours out from that hole inside of me that was neatly put away the last 4 days with being accepted and believed, all faults included.
It’s back to being the animal in the cage that no one understands, poked at, ridiculed and hurt. With no voice or anyone nearby to touch, hug or crawl into when needing empathy, like right now, it’s a huge void of emptiness. Going to have to find the reserves to make do with one therapy appointment a month to be open and maybe even get a genuine hug of validation.
I pep talked myself on the plane and last night, just suck it up, do what you’re asked and when you can, get out, leave town, find the nurture, just god damn do it no matter what anyone says. Find the happy people or the happy place if it means leaving every 3 months and no one here understanding, try and not let them get to me. Invalidation. They don’t understand, do not expect them to understand and last of all, do not expect them to empathize. It’s a battle field, and the only way to survive it to tuck in, stay with the inner strength. Being alone is better than being lonely with people or reaching out and getting slapped.
I need to remember they can’t see past the outside, so if they see smiles and sociability, to them you are-OK.