My counsellor asked me yesterday if I was suicidal. Yes, I want to to die, with all my might right now, it is all I want to do BUT I’m not going to. I am suicidal, can I control it. Yes.
Power, someone said I wanted power, that I was on a power trip. It was such a ludicrous thought I realized that person knew nothing about me. Power? I barely can find the days to quit hating myself and wanting to die to bother finding power. I want the power to end it all without putting others in pain, that’s the power that I want. To be let go without the guilt. All these other things I do to live, does anyone truly think I want any of life? Life with BPD is being ruled by one big power trip you can barely control. Jump off that building without ruining my children’s lives, that’s the power I want.
There are days, like now, where to feel good about myself I need to read about myself, to know that what I feel is not isolated, that it is disease. That it cannot be logically fixed and solved. I read about me so I feel better that I am not alone and though I feel achingly alone, there are other people, like me, in pain, aching, just wanting the world to swallow them up, reading.
Loneliness and Lack of Self Worth
Many people with BPD are isolated from conventional family or friendship situations. As many people around them do not know how to cope with the sufferers behaviour, they tend to withdraw from their friend or relative. This leads the person with BPD to feel lonely and worthless. They already have a very low self-esteem and this makes it worse. People with BPD are like anyone else, they want to feel loved, but in their case it is more extreme. Left alone for too long and they believe nobody wants them. This is mainly caused by rejection at a young age, it is learnt behaviour. The self-loathing and fear of abandonment also causes loneliness.
Have you ever felt out of control? Maybe you have felt like you are in a tunnel, no fear or thought of safety for yourself or other. Detachment from reality, at times, can be how be how someone with BPD feels. Often they suffer from intrusive thoughts or hear voices. The only way to describe how it feels to have intrusive thoughts or hear voices is, imagine someone is with you 24 hours a day, imagine this person is saying things like “hurt yourself,” or “the devil is following you, he will take people away from you.” Often the thoughts or voices will play on the sufferers insecurities. Some people have other hallucinations or believe they have super powers. Commonly people with BPD only have mild psychosis but occasionally some sufferers have more severe psychosis. Mostly they only have psychotic episodes induced by stress. Think about it, if you go to a party and everyone around you is drunk, and you do not like it, you would remove yourself from the situation, right? In the BPD sufferers situation, the brain is removing it’s self from the problem which is the persons thinking and thoughts.
Depression, Self Harm and Suicide
Everyone goes through periods where they feel down or depressed. But for a BPD sufferer it is like that very much of the time. Also severe depression will flood them from time to time. How often do you wish you were not alive any more? Maybe once in your life but most likely it hasn’t ever crossed your mind. A majority of people with BPD think about it very regularly. In fact for a BPD sufferer it becomes normal and it can be quite a surprise to them when someone tells them they never think of it.
Have you ever been in so much emotional pain that you’d do anything to relieve it? Trying to counter act the emotional pain with physical pain is logical if you think about. It’s like tooth ache, you’d do anything to relieve it. So one of the reasons a sufferer self-harms if to get some relief. Another cause for self-harm in a BPD sufferer is self-loathing, they feel so bad about themselves that they feel they need to be punished. Self-harm is not always a sign of a suicide attempt, it’s just a reflection of how the person is feeling on the inside.
Threats of suicide are common among people with BPD, and it’s also not uncommon for them to make an attempt at ending their life. Life with Borderline Personality Disorder is ten times harder than for a non-sufferer. Imagine how the constant fear and pain must be. Suicide threats are like a safety net, “If I really can’t stand my pain any more, then I can escape,” makes sense doesn’t? If you walked through a bed of stinging nettles you would think of trying to get yourself out wouldn’t you?
Withdrawal from Others
Many people with BPD have times when they withdraw from the world. They stop working and socialising. If you were hurt by something you would try and avoid letting it happen again, wouldn’t you? So this can be why someone with BPD may become distant and unresponsive to friends and family. In most cases this withdrawal doesn’t last for more then a few days, weeks or months, but in some sufferers it can last much longer. When withdrawn the sufferer will feel depressed and isolated.