Haven’t written in a while, nothing seems to have changed, the waves of apathy and dread of waking up every morning still persist. It’s not that it’s not OK, it’s OK, I know what it feels like and at times it’s crazy overwhelming and I have to talk myself down on what the heck is the point and just head down and plough away. When I am busy and can just tunnel through, you can call it happy, someone asked me that today, was I happy? It’s not happy, it’s oblivion, and oblivion makes me “happy”.
That’s the fact with BPD, it keeps wanting to crawl up and consume you, and its the best when distracted. When my mind is so focused it doesn’t give anything the chance to leak in, and so I go full tilt and while I am in it, it feels great, I’ve locked out the insidiousness. But, it doesn’t go away and I know that, I still need to face the reckoning, the headmaster with the stick eventually. Sometimes I keep going full tilt so that the noise never starts but we all know how that ends, its not about drowning the beast, its managing the beast and if I ignore it, and me for too long, the crash comes.
So, I’ve been hop scotching through, the mornings and evenings are the worst. Morning because I wake up without defences up and its a whallop so hard across the face, literally staring death in the face. Evenings I’m tired and I don’t feel like tic tac to so I let it win and all the gruesome thoughts are in technicolor. I don’t even want to watch TV, my eyes are tired, my brain is tired but it numbs out the thoughts, till I turn the TV off and lie in bed watching my own psychological murder mystery in my head. Excepting there’s no mystery in who dies in the end or whodunit.
I don’t want to get mad at people’s ignorance, but I do get mad. I work with someone that is like the trigger to the beast, feeding morsels of meat to the lion in agonizing slow chunks, I just want to reach out and claw her head off. Seriously, the world of grey was meant for her, nothing is absolute, nothing is certain, everything is slow, ponderous and never ending, it’s a BPD nightmare of cloudy grey an waiting waiting waiting. My world is BLACK & WHITE, just get it done, stop poking the beast because the beast is going to bite.
This is where I chide myself on not getting angry at ignorance, because, it’s not her fault she works in a fashion that makes my BPD sing. No matter how I approach the subject it’s like banging my head into the cloudy wall, nothing changes. So, I try and ignore her but I can’t because she holds too many pieces that pertain to my job. The days we work together, I try to stay so busy that there is no time to talk because I’m on the verge of having a mania where word vomit takes over and inside voice will become outside voice and then there will really be no grey.
The conundrum is, the longer this goes, the more build up and resentment is filling in me, and I’ve been tamping, shovelling and tucking it about, but it’s not fixing anything, and every email, every conversation is like a mini trigger that I have to take and quell and then hold my breath and wonder when the next is. I feel like a changeling, all good and then she hits and I can feel the scales growing, the tail forking and my eyes slitting and I’m this tongue flicking beast ready, tensed, willing myself not to pounce, that the prey will slowly go away and I can resume my non-hulk form. Really, that is who I feel like, The Hulk, I am trying so hard like Dr whatever his name is but enough provocation and no matter how he tried that big green monster’s going to come out and bash a hole through someone’s head, plus a few buildings in between.
This really cannot be what life is all about. It’s so purposeless. Does anyone think I want to be doing anything I do when I wake up every morning. I’m just living. Step by step, day by day. Just for you and you and you, not me.
Which made me think, what would I want to do that would make getting up everyday purposeful. Definitely not living here. Travel. I just want to travel, keep changing, keep moving, keep it different, occupied, fascinating. Nothing stays the same, its dynamic places, new faces, risk, lots of risk, just put it out there and whatever happens happens. This, this is monotony, it’s boring places, peoples, things, it’s a staid city with closed up people. I live in a city that everyone lauds but under the surface it filled with cold and boring people all stuffed up in themselves and their rights, wrongs and conventions. People here are so confined and conservative, the Vatican would be more exciting.