{February 28, 2015}   Struggling, breaking, hating

Struggling this morning. Woke up with a cold fist wrapped around my heart, straight through the breastbone, aching, and no matter of tossing and turning could alleviate that all it wanted to do was rip my heart out. It’s been 2 hours and I can still feel the pain. The dread of leaving the house and going to work is numbing and crushing all at once. Fell like I am walking to guillotine. I’m pepping myself to know that once I get there I can submerge and it will be fine till evening. But I open my emails and and the triggers are strong, just want to scream, leave, crawl back in that bed, pull that fist back into my heart. I hate. You know that I hate, I hate this.


I have one hour to put the face and the smile on. Talk the talk, ignore the pounding and coursing of fear, and pretend it’s all ok till I come home. Deal with the ever present trigger that will not go the fuck away, how long do we need to do this, I am not human, not normal, not OK, and I will break of you do not leave me alone.

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et cetera
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