I’m having a panic attack, anxiety attack, whatever you call it. It’s 12:30 at night and I can’t breathe and my heart is racing so hard it hurts. I’m waiting for my Ativan to start, for the fear and terror to stop, writing this post as therapy to calm myself. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and I’m terrified. I don’t know what to do with this BPD with all this work, this practice, where am I supposed to go, what am I meant to do. I’m scared of people, I’m scared of intimacy, I’m scared of truth. I’m scared of subjecting people to me. I don’t know what the purpose is, why on earth am I here and is this a big test, is their an answer, a rainbow, a trial at the end. Am I meant to find the right answer to every action and thought I make everyday because that’s what it feels like, a test everyday on surviving and picking the right multiple choice question. It’s all loaded with more wrongs than rights and more guilt than affirmation.
Some days I love the strength that DBT has given me and other days, like today, I still feel the weaknesses and flaws I have trying to find which is the correct me. Which is the correct choice, is it BPD mind or is it my mind, is my gut right or is it wrong. My gut is saying wrong wrong wrong, telling me I am wrong and my head has no idea on up or down but I can’t make more mistakes or work through anymore stress. I don’t know what is correct. Hand me that magic wand. Give me something easy for once. Just once hand me something on a platter and let me breathe for a few months. Joy, give me joy without repercussions.
Please. All I want is peace from this mind without death.