The world just sped up and I am furiously running along knowing that I have to come down to not crash. Work has been ramping up at an incredible pace and so have the social/network engagements and my impending trip is so badly organized for lack of time. It’s all good and it’s all bad all at the same time. I am in a technological swarm, the phones keep buzzing ringing, the email is non stop, the invites keep coming. It’s social season in my work when everyone is starting to ramp up for next season and the planning and networking begins. I am tired but vaguely happy and cautious, it’s dangerous skirting the borderline when you’re happy, because you’re never sure if it is mania or happy?
I have gotten much better at sensing, modulating and using the tools for distress tolerance but emotion regulation is still a tough one for me, especially when it comes to regulating the highs down. No one wants to bring the high down because it feels good, but its just as destructive as low, the goal is to stay level. These days its been too much of high and low, squeaking to the top of the high notes and back down to the baritone in hours, that I have bags under my eyes from the tension of it. And the constant asking of myself whether something is real emotion, BPD emotion, emotion that should be tempered, emotion that is “fake”, emotion that’s valid, mindful… jesus christ, it’s ridiculous.
My therapist says I am in transition, that I need to be patient, follow all the steps, ride the rough waters and soon (grasshopper, soon), it “may” settle down, but with BPD you never know, it’s vigil, stay vigil and the boat should stay afloat and somewhat steady, give in to too much happy mania or low depression and you’ve rocked the damn thing over.
I started DBT classes again which is good, nice to have that 1.5 hours every week where I can be openly exactly who I am with no judgement and perfect understanding from everyone around me. It’s a relief to know that in class, people know who I am and can understand everything I say intuitively because they feel the same way. It’s like a massive boulder I can take off my shoulder and put aside for a little while and be openly and accepted BPD.
I am going on holidays tomorrow, amidst the swarm I spoke of above, I sense coming back is going to be like being flung headfirst out of a tsunami. Not the best way to return from vacation and I am already dreading it. I get to find some happy time for a couple of weeks before the maelstrom of Spring begins. I have this underlying fear that in a few months the bottom is going to drop out of my world, not because of BPD but my gut feels something brewing and no matter how I try to look around it, something is coming and it’s big.
This has been one of my more nonsensical posts but my head feels a bit everywhere the last few days.