Pain can be disgusting, its parasitic in its ability to breed and grow within you, spreading like mould into your lifestream, into your thoughts and emotions. Empty and soundless, you wake up day after day with an ache that blossoms and migrates further into places you never knew could feel. I felt my heart crack, with weeds of shame curling sinuously around the beating organ , with embarrassment combing tendrils through the chinks, with the air slowly, slowly escaping. It feels like my lungs are caving inwards, falling into the ocean like an iceberg melting, huge shards, slipping down and away, exploding into the waves and disappearing. I am disappearing, crumpling, wasting. Pain, like I am nothing but a hollow vessel of shame and remorse, with parasites laughing & crawling through my skin, begging to be set on fire, so I may, like the phoenix rise once again from the ashes.
Like a carrion, beetles infesting, hyenas watching hungrily by for the fall of Rome. I can see the remnants of my carcass being picked free, I can imagine every last visual reminder of me is slowly being hunted out, rooted out and stacked, ready to be picked up or given away, because it never belonged. Must be like a game to find what was mine, where it did not belong, flush it out and banish it, waiting for another walk of shame to pick up the leftovers polluting the sacred space. Maybe its better to just throw it away, never have to face the insignificance of my existence within that world again.
I am sure it’s beautiful now, perfect, that’s what makes happiness. Because the perfect show was all that was ever wanted. At the cost of love, of happiness, of companionship. Not a blemish in site. Not a parasite visible. No carrions or interlopers remain. I see the landscape, soundless in its sterility, its perfection. The show must go on. Must be Nirvana, I’d never know, never welcomed into the inner sanctum, not perfect enough to be given a fit into perfection A blemish. One you could cover up, push aside, hide away but never remove unless you burst it, spilled it out like a parasite and threw it away.