So hi, I am Vida.
I suffer from, live with and hang out with my alter ego borderline personality disorder. It’s not pretty and though I write at times with sarcasm and humour, there is more pain and angst in this blog. It’s not pretty, BPD is not pretty, nor is it what you may think it is.
There are so many other amazing people on here that are furthering this cause that I can’t claim to be anywhere close, this is about me, the trials, tribulations, the tears, the smiles, the love and hate and a daily struggle to live.
I get up everyday working to live. I have so many people equate themselves to me and it makes me want to scream that NO you don’t know, you don’t know what it feels like to need to make sure you don’t want to die each and everyday. That I wake up in bed testing my temperature every morning to assess what the day will be like and how I need to be to stave off the psychosis that could kill me. And you know what, some days I want to die, not in the way you may wish you were dead, but would never contemplate jumping the bridge. I have to talk myself off the bridge.
I am bitter, yes I know you get sad and angry, depressed and hyper and there are days where you think it will end. Now take that and heighten it by 100%. Please don’t tell me you know what I feel because you don’t, you don’t have voices in your head mocking you, dragging you down, hating you. Do you know what it is to hate yourself, to feel someone live within you that hates you so much it wants to kill you. Where no matter how hard you try to love and learn, you will never be normal, normal enough to live a day without monitoring each and everything you do, say and any decision you make to ascertain it was your own?
Externally, I live a great life, but it’s a struggle, a struggle to love everyone from myself to my children and the people that come into my life. To try and hold that love without destroying them. To find love for myself that doesn’t end in ashes.
So please, come on in, this is me.