I don’t have a bad life, outside of the calamities caused by my BPD, it is pretty amazing and I need to find the appreciation and moments to soak in days like these. If I could bottle the days of true joy to breathe in during the darkness how therapeutic that would be.
The groundwork I used the last few days to not obsess and tangent over work and Hugh surprised me. Surprised me tremendously how in the moment I was able to keep myself in, especially on a 5 hour drive to the cabin! I will digress to let you know, the thoughts that could intrude into my mind is that I made a few small mistakes at work the last couple of days which my boss pointed out and Hugh got annoyed at me for my lack of awareness. Which would lead me to- I am a disappointment at work and Hugh is going to break up with me and tell me again how he does not want any ties to me. BUT- right now, I am not a knotted up, gnarled, dark and stormy bundle of evil darkness washing across my happy.
My job is perfect for me, I don’t make a lot of money but the freedom that it gives me to be able to have time and space to balance my BPD is hard to find. I am given an inordinate amount of trust by my boss and the company as a whole. It’s also in an ideal location so I am not commuting and wasting parts of my life in a car. Where else could I work to let me be sitting here now writing.
Hugh, I think Hugh is amazing. Of course there are things about him that make me stop short but I am far from perfect and some of the things that frustrate me I also admire because they make him who he is. Yes, they can be unreasonable and hurt, but one has to weigh the pros and cons and the pros outweigh the cons and in those moments I have to take that internal mind breath and remember that relationships are compromise and work and we are different people, he cannot be me though there are times that I want to beat Buddhism into him, lol, which of course, goes against the grain of Buddhism. He’s great, I think we work well, and on the off moments I need to give him space and take mine as well.
The things that are always happy in my life, my children, my amazing, beautiful, sweet and kind children. Though life is much harder on my BPD for having them, they are now the guiding life of my BPD. I could not hope for more empathetic and gentle souls as they are.
Future, that scary far off nebula of fire. If I can keep this path I have set with the doctors, to concentrate on health first and foremost, the children and Hugh next, I see that tiny spark of a star.My gosh its work and I am exhausted by the amount of day to day focus and maintenance it is taking, and to make it succeed I have to watch that I take those mental breaks every few months to not let the strain trip me the tight rope. I can tell the DBT classes are going to help, and I thank and thank again that Hugh is here to help me with them or the chances of my being able to take them would be slim. I see a sliver, a fission of hope that I can do the work to take that next step.
Disclaimer, it is one step at a time. I am still not good at reaching out, at explaining, at not beating myself up. Do you have days that you wonder what you would be like without BPD? Would I lose my joie de vivre for the simple child like things, the spontaneity, that when I love you I love you beyond belief, that I will not fight. These are all things that are good, that my BPD enhances. Yes, there is the flip side of all of those items but we’re on POSITIVE today.