{August 19, 2012}   Positivity!

I don’t have a bad life, outside of the calamities caused by my BPD, it is pretty amazing and I need to find the appreciation and moments to soak in days like these. If I could bottle the days of true joy to breathe in during the darkness how therapeutic that would be.

The groundwork I used the last few days to not obsess and tangent over work and Hugh surprised me. Surprised me tremendously how in the moment I was able to keep myself in, especially on a 5 hour drive to the cabin! I will digress to let you know, the thoughts that could intrude into my mind is that I made a few small mistakes at work the last couple of days which my boss pointed out and Hugh got annoyed at me for my lack of awareness. Which would lead me to- I am a disappointment at work and Hugh is going to break up with me and tell me again how he does not want any ties to me. BUT- right now, I am not a knotted up, gnarled, dark and stormy bundle of evil darkness washing across my happy.

My job is perfect for me, I don’t make a lot of money but the freedom that it gives me to be able to have time and space to balance my BPD is hard to find. I am given an inordinate amount of trust by my boss and the company as a whole. It’s also in an ideal location so I am not commuting and wasting parts of my life in a car. Where else could I work to let me be sitting here now writing.

Hugh, I think Hugh is amazing. Of course there are things about him that make me stop short but I am far from perfect and some of the things that frustrate me I also admire because they make him who he is. Yes, they can be unreasonable and hurt, but one has to weigh the pros and cons and the pros outweigh the cons and in those moments I have to take that internal mind breath and remember that relationships are compromise and work and we are different people, he cannot be me though there are times that I want to beat Buddhism into him, lol, which of course, goes against the grain of Buddhism. He’s great, I think we work well, and on the off moments I need to give him space and take mine as well.

The things that are always happy in my life, my children, my amazing, beautiful, sweet and kind children. Though life is much harder on my BPD for having them, they are now the guiding life of my BPD. I could not hope for more empathetic and gentle souls as they are.

Future, that scary far off nebula of fire. If I can keep this path I have set with the doctors, to concentrate on health first and foremost, the children and Hugh next, I see that tiny spark of a star.My gosh its work and I am exhausted by the amount of day to day focus and maintenance it is taking, and to make it succeed I have to watch that I take those mental breaks every few months to not let the strain trip me the tight rope. I can tell the DBT classes are going to help, and I thank and thank again that Hugh is here to help me with them or the chances of my being able to take them would be slim. I see a sliver, a fission of hope that I can do the work to take that next step.

Disclaimer, it is one step at a time. I am still not good at reaching out, at explaining, at not beating myself up. Do you have days that you wonder what you would be like without BPD? Would I lose my joie de vivre for the simple child like things, the spontaneity, that when I love you I love you beyond belief, that I will not fight. These are all things that are good, that my BPD enhances. Yes, there is the flip side of all of those items but we’re on POSITIVE today.


I am back home and feeling great, my time away, as my doctors all said, was needed badly. I structured my trip so there was no uncertainty and made sure i tackled the hard issues right up front and took the time to always find joy in each day. I settled some demons that I had left behind (I used to  live there), and though not everything is in bed, I feel good about it. My financial woes are still chasing at my tail but for now I cannot do much and with my stress level low its manageable.

The word that floated through my mind and yelled out with a fist pump while there was free. My claustrophobia that i get here and the sense of being locked in a cage while running a hamster wheel was gone. The societal pressure was non existent, the need to be a certain way and act a certain way, gone, and just the liberation of being somewhere small and always having a connection no matter where I went, no matter how small or insignificant is a buoyant feeling. There still is always some form of human segregation no matter where you go but in a small town things can be minimized or maximized, and truth is, there is no space for extremes and the flatness of the society is ideal, where you can have dinner with Morgan Freeman, the clerk from the hardware store and the elecrician all at a table and we become just humans.

People are worried about me still, I think my integrating back was cause for concern, that it may deflate me, and since it has only been a day I do have to proceed with caution, stay conscious of my actions, rest and move slowly. So far so good, I didn’t rush to unpack, I have been sleeping, made sure i took a few days before the kids came over, not cooking, no laundry, just slow and steady. It’s been so calm in my head it’s touching on discombobulating.

Hugh said I was acting a bit strange yesterday when we went for drinks. Threw me for a little loop so I took a few moments at bedtime to review our evening drinks. I asked him about his weekend, just to see what he was up to, I know he went sailing, he was up front about his ex joining and I am well aware he has male and female friends. I suppose maybe it came off overly questioning because he is so guarded that unless i am pointed nothing is forthcoming, he will answer a direct question but he won’t volunteer. It’s a male trait for sure but doubly so with Hugh and at times the shroud piques my curiosity as to why it’s necessary. He asked if I was jealous and that gave me pause. We equate jealousy as a negative emotion in our society, but jealousy can be healthy. Yes its natural to have a twinge when you realize someone you care about is spending time with others, it means you care, but it doesn’t mean it’s bad. I don’t resent it, I don’t not wish it to be, and as humans you do want to be involved but on the flip side, I had a great time where I was, and yes, I spent time with my ex and male friends, does that make it illicit, not at all. Jealousy with security and honesty is not a bad thing, it means you can take that energy and feeling, find the good in it, the vulnerability and be a stronger person. Long winded, i was more curious for information than green, I don’t particularly like that colour on me, makes me seem sallow and highly unattractive, but a touch here and there in the right shade can accent.

ImageVulnerability popped out of that paragraph and that is my achilles heel of BPD, vulnerability to another person is a trigger so strong it’s the kill switch, which is why I secure against it so tightly. Emotions flow into one another and just like BPD or it is BPD, they need to be managed. Trust and vulnerability are more volatile to me than jealousy could ever be, jealousy will not trigger, I rarely feel that emotion negatively, vulnerability she needs to be locked up, padlocked, thrown in a hatch and sunk. She’s evil to me, opens the drawbridge to all sorts of creatures. She’s not in play, she hasn’t been to play for a while, she needs a good leash and a nanny. Further on a future blog on Ms. Vulnerability trying to be my BFF.

Work calls, the office is now full, time to begin the day and hope it goes quick because I am dying to know who won American Idol and it’s sitting on my PVR at home!!

Im in a funk. Not a bad episode funk but a maybe this can slide down this way funk.

I haven’t felt like I have done anything fun or light to uplift myself lately. Work has been full on with not a moment to breathe. The kids schedules were abnormally complicated and the last 2 nights have been a triathlon of working, motivating, cooking, cajoling, grumping and driving, driving and driving. There hasn’t been a moment to just sit back and have a laugh. A giggle would suffice.

So, tonite I think to self, self- should I go sit at the bar down from work and have a quick drink, just to get some space around me. The thought of seeing the house in all its chaos after the kids have left is not calling to me, shit is everywhere and it’s going to feel like a ton of bricks coming down. Then my flip side feels depressed that I have to go sit at a bar and talk to strange people. I asked Carl the office manager if he wanted to go for a drink but Carl is just a little too earnest and I sense that might be more work than not. I’d ask Hugh but then I have to deal with him coming back to me that I spend too much time with him. My sister has the baby. Shae has an appointment. Jules has her kid. Cay has the kids. Everyone else I know I don’t particularly want to see. I’m back to the same options, home alone w mess and no sanctuary or bar alone with no mess but some space. Gah!

Riddle me this and riddle me that.

I see Val tomorrow. My psychologist and I know i know the answers she’s going to tell me. She’s going to say I need a break, I’m moving too fast, doing too much and not taking care of myself. I have  unresolved items hanging over me, primarily my Finances which is turning into a pile of quicksand around me, and the more a fight it, the deeper I sink. One step forward THREE steps back. It costs a lot to be crazy and see 3 medical professionals at a time. Thankfully, I am such a unique case my psychiatrist has convinced the government I am interesting enough to pay for. Then there’s living in the most expensive city in North America, having 2 kids, summer coming up which scares me to bits and having my work constantly interrupted buy absences I need to take to stay healthy. Then there’s debt, omnipresent, constantly growing and I am sure going to suck me in and spit me out in a huge episode. I also have my ongoing saga with my ex husband over assets which is for another day, another time, another mind.

I think I said it, I have more financial stress then I should but how do I fix that. I am looking for another job but that goes counter intuitive to the relax and take more time to do non stressful activities. I need to take a break, every 3 months, medically advised… yes with what money and what time? Fairy Godmother???? You there?? My psychiatrist, by the way, is kite surfing in Barbados, perhaps I should have gone with him, would have been like an all-inclusive fun and therapy retreat.

OK, I am taking up work time which is probably going to add more stress to get done by 4:30 so I can find that damn laugh and giggle

{April 22, 2012}   The Wider Road not Taken

It’s so confusing not being able to follow your own emotions, not trusting your own emotions to take you down the right path. Relationships, it’s a 4 letter word for me, but as I take a look at the years, I wonder if its not relationships I should shy away from but the intensity an rules so strongly associated within it.

It’s hard to follow a line when there is no manual and the best of days is still a guess on making the right moves and trying to watch myself. I’m still looking for the What Not To Do When You’re Borderline best seller. I’ll be happy even with have Mars and Crazy Venus Relationships.

I need help. It’s such a jumble of my feelings, Amanda’s feelings, my negativity, her insecurities, mine, fight or flight kicking in.

I spent the day with Hugh yesterday, we have a routine of a un-routine, We’re dating, not really, as its a secret, I haven’t figured out why it’s a secret but it just is, so then maybe we can call it friends with benefits but on my end it’s not that either but flip side neither is it the white picket fence.

Quick re-cap. Hugh is in his 50s, retired, has his own life, independent all very very good things for me. He’s a mild control freak, which is good too. Open in some senses but terribly guarded on others, not a lot of emotion or communication about emotions on a 2-way street, more like talking to my shrink, assessments. Great at saying what he wants and needs on a logical and pragmatic side, not so on the sentient side.

We get along great, lots of food and wine, the same voracious appetite I have for the gastronomic delights of this world. I believe the same adventuring spirit but this is un-tested as we haven’t gone anywhere together because as he said yesterday it’s hard for him to plan with my narrow definition of what this is. You can’t plan because I might what?

To the point, I like him, it seems an ideal match. The sex, let’s not forget the sex, don’t we all want to talk about sex, hear about sex, pretend we’re not fascinated by sex. The sex is good, since we’re just beginning this relationship you and I (world) we’ll stay PG-13 for now, but we can start to get into the toys, orgasms and positions later. Suffice to say, it’s good, excellent, comfortable, fun, etc etc.

So the conundrum. Last night we went for dinner and a few points came out that made me pause, made the rest of me curdle.

This summer. Hugh says it’s going to get difficult. Difficult is not what I need. I think there was an implicit warning in there, since I don’t have my shit together, and want to be a scaredy cat don’t be surprised if things get difficult. So what are we speaking of? The fact that we don’t have definition to this thing we do, and the closest definition he can label upon us is friends with benefits, which essentially precludes feelings and any rights to expectations. So the sense I get is, be aware of what I have in-store, to fall in line, whosoever is there first with their panties off get’s the golden ticket and no sour grapes on my part if I don’t. Since I can’t give anything concrete expect to fall in with the masses, first come first serve.

Me, I don’t think so, I’m not a mass, and I don’t feel like being lumped in with Mary, Carie and Shelly for a turn on the love boat just because I am not able to widen the path, sounds rather seedy and unappealing to me. Not a hooker. Not going to beg for time. I follow the harem philosophy better, there’s head wife and everyone else. Head wife is first choice and if you’re going to do anything, let’s do it with head wife first. Yes, you can call her up and make plans, if it doesn’t work out go to the stables and find the other ones. Head wife doesn’t mind, just give some due courtesy.

The questions always focus on me, I don’t think I’ve actually heard what he wants and needs. Maybe if you spit it out we can actually make some sense and widen that path to have more definition, does it have to be the dirt road or the super highway, aren’t there choices in between?

Complication 1. Not sounding ideal for a time when things are difficult enough, I speak of summer, when I am juggling kids, work and travel, trying to manage my self respect on the love boat may be too much. This is where fight or flight comes in, flight seems to be winning, I can feel the feathers poking through but fighting hard to see if this is something I am not seeing clear enough.

Part 2. I feel like I am being pushed for an answer I don’t have. You know, all these warnings of what’s to come based on my lack of parameters. I don’t know why but I feel like I am being penalized for being this person. And that brings up ugly feelings that then crawl into my self worth and sense of being. I do have parameters, I like you, you like me, we have a steady dating life, courtship, there’s no need to date other people, but if you want to, I am not going stop you, but that doesn’t mean every time I am not available there’s another mare in the stable.

I guess what it comes down to is I am happy to spend my time with him and work my schedule with him, my kids, close friends, family and work as an important part of my life, and everyone else is secondary. If someone calls me up and asks me out, I’d wait to see whether we had plans first, not jump at the first penis that calls wanting to sail the seven seas with (gross) me, last resort maybe. Seriously. This is the difference that may sever the link.

People don’t understand that when I decrease expectations of myself it’s not for my pleasure, I want to barrel full steam ahead, but when I do that I hurt people, I hurt a lot of people when I let go. And I have limitations that hurt people because I can’t give on a normal, LIFE board game, it’s more like Chutes and Ladders, it seems to go great till you hit the snake and tumble down to start again. So its better to just slooooowly move this ship along but it’s also not necessary to shoot holes into it, there’s enough snakes on the boat.

et cetera
A Forgetful Traveler

Remembering the world one blog post at a time

Life after BPD

Life after Borderline Personality Disorder; making a life worth living through love, laughter, positivity and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy


The secret life of high-functioning borderline personality disorder.

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